When my Mum died, very shortly after an unexpected cancer diagnosis, I took charge and got on with things.
“What else am I going to do?” I thought. “Someone has to.”
Grief myth #5: Stay busy
I took all my available vacation time, plus a couple of extra days when my boss donated some of his Paid Time Off. That amounted to about 10 days – the same amount of time that was left on my mum’s rental apartment before we’d have to pay rent on a place she no longer lived in.
My brother, who had flown to Oregon from France about a week before Mum passed, left a few days after she died. My young kids went to their Dad’s for a few weeks right after Mum’s memorial service.
I threw myself into cleaning it out, sorting through all her belongings and deciding what to keep, donate and sell. I did it alone (see grief myth #3: grieve alone). I was good at doing things by myself at that point in my life.
It was hard work, physically and emotionally. But it kept me busy. It kept me from missing my kids, who was I wasn’t used to not being around. It kept me from thinking too hard about my Mum, even as I went through her things and counted the number of shoes she somehow managed to own (42 pairs of shoes).
Once I’d held an estate sale and donated the rest, cleaned her apartment and erased all traces of her existence there, I went back to work. I’d been gone for 10 days, there was so much work to distract myself with!
The only thing that heals the pain is taking direct action to
Did this help me heal my broken heart? No.
Did it help me complete my unfinished emotional business with my Mum? No.
What does keeping busy do?
Keeping busy does help the days go by. And sometimes that’s all the sanity you can hold onto.
But staying busy, filling your days up with distractions, doesn’t help you move forward in the end. At the end of the day, unless you’re drinking or drugging yourself into sleep (which is totally not a good idea), you still have to face your loss.
Business may push the pain away temporarily, but it doesn’t heal it. It doesn’t make the pain go away.
The only thing that heals the pain is taking direct action to complete the pain caused by loss.
How do you heal the pain of loss?
So how do you take direct action? What do you need to do?
You need to discover what’s incomplete and unfinished emotionally because of the loss. What were your hopes, dreams and expectations around the relationship or situation? Where are you holding yourself hostage to forgiveness – either for yourself or for another person? What needs to be said that hasn’t been?
All relationships accrue unfinished emotions. It’s totally normal. The problem is that we’re not taught the tools we need to find emotional completion.
The Grief Recovery Method® is a fantastic, clear way to find that completion. It leads you through a series of small, doable actions that help you find what’s incomplete and resolve it. It’s emotionally honest work that’s so satisfying to do.
If you want to find your way out of grief, to stop distracting yourself with busy-ness and discover what’s really going on, with someone to guide you each step of the way, get in touch with me. I’d be glad to talk to you about your experiences and provide the support you need to move forward in your life.
Rev. Joanna Bartlett is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist® certified by the Grief Recovery Institute® and offers one-on-one and group sessions using the Grief Recovery Method® to help you move through grief and live life again.