Even though it’s been more than 30 years since I left England (I was 10, if you’re counting), sometimes I still feel extremely British.
Dealing with my hurt and pain is one of those times. It’s during those times, when I’m grieving and vulnerable, that I’m mostly likely to fall back onto a strongly-rooted default behavior. I isolate myself, feeling what I feel, alone.
I know I’m not alone in doing this.
No matter your own country of origin or culture, you’ve probably heard some similar things as I did growing up, even if they weren’t exactly the same words.
Grief myth #3: Grieve alone
I was a sensitive child and would sometimes burst into tears to my classmates’ mystification. (I legitimately had things to cry about and small surface-level things would allow deeper emotions to suddenly erupt.)
I especially hated getting upset and crying at school as I was soon labelled a cry baby and wanted to run off into a quiet corner to deal with my feelings and regain emotional equilibrium.
That’s probably because, at home, when I got upset, I’d often hear things like:
“Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.”
“If you don’t stop sniffling, I’ll give you something to cry about.”
“If you’re going to cry, go to your room.”
When something bad happened in your childhood life, or you were hurt, sad or upset, did anyone ever say these things to you?
They taught you to deal with your feelings alone, to isolate yourself and not seek out others for warmth, help or comfort.
It turns out that doesn’t help you heal very well.
Why?
Because you’re not learning many tools for healing when you’re alone, curled up, feeling abandoned and lonely. Instead, you’re erroneously learning that there are no answers for you, that there’s something wrong with you for feeling the way you do and that no one knows how to help.
You don’t have to grieve alone
It turns out that reaching out to others can help you through your emotional lows and difficult times. This is especially true when it comes to grief from the loss of a loved one, but is true for other grieving events like the loss of a job or relationship. It’s important not to isolate yourself – grief is isolating enough as it is, with the people around you often not knowing what to say or feeling uncomfortable at your emotional discomfort.
Reach out anyway.
It’s hard, but grieving on your own doesn’t usually help you through your feelings. Instead, it causes you to feel more alone and less understood.
Your willingness to share your feelings with others takes courage and vulnerability, and it gives other people permission to be honest about their own internal feelings. It allows them to heal and open up, which creates stronger bonds and relationships.
My story: grieving my mum with my child
When my mum died from cancer, I was only 34. It was sudden and completely unexpected. Three weeks after she was diagnosed, she was gone from this Earthly plane.
I remember the afternoon after the morning she died. Hospice had come and gone. The funeral home had taken her body away. I’d made the initial phone calls I needed to. Then I sat on the couch and cried. My husband sat down next to me and I leaned into him as I let out my pain. I wanted to howl. And I wanted human contact and company so I’d feel safe, grounded, connected.
My youngest child took my mum’s death hard. For months afterward, I’d find Ben in their room crying at seemingly random times. (Ben is nonbinary gender and uses they/them pronouns.) They were only 4 when Mum died and the two of them were very close.
I was still grieving, too. So Ben and I would cry together, cuddled up in their bed. We’d talk about my mum, who they called Nanny, what they missed, what they remembered. We grieved together and it was a heartwarming experience during a difficult time.
It was hard for me to let my kids see me cry. Being vulnerable, rather than maintaining a façade of strength, is for another blog post. Grieving together brought us both healing. It helped us know we weren’t alone, there was nothing wrong with how we were feeling, and that we were loved and cared for.
Rev. Joanna Bartlett is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist® certified by the Grief Recovery Institute® and offers one-on-one and group sessions using the Grief Recovery Method® to help you move through grief and live a full life again.