Some of the sayings, old wives tales and clichés we grew up with contain truth. Sometimes a kernel and sometimes a lot. They have value, especially when we can see beneath the surface.
Some of them, though, they just don’t.
Grief myth #6: Give it time
You’ve probably heard the saying, “Time heals all wounds.” It doesn’t. Time alone doesn’t heal.
The folks at the Grief Recovery Institute like to use the analogy of someone breaking a bone. Say you were just sitting there, reading this article, then you got up to go and do something – go to the bathroom or get a drink of water. But you tripped. As you fell to the floor, you thrust out your arms to break your fall. You land with a thud, and a snap and searing pain in your right arm. It’s broken.
What do you do? Do you shrug and say, “Oh well, it really hurts right now, but it’ll get better eventually. After all, time heals all wounds.” Hopefully not. It’s broken. It’s screaming in pain (maybe you’re screaming in pain, too).
You go and get medical attention. You find the people with the knowledge and the tools to help your body heal itself properly.
So why do you think that time alone will heal your broken heart? Or time plus the tools you’ve learned (distracting yourself, isolating yourself, not letting people see how you really feel) that don’t really work?
Time plus the right actions heal wounds
Time alone won’t do it. Time is necessary, as we live in a linear universe (or at least perceive time to be linear).
There are even circumstances in which you do need a little time to pass for there to be just enough emotional distance from the searing pain so you can look at it and discover why the pain is truly there.
After all, say you needed surgery to fix your broken arm. You wouldn’t go into physical therapy the next day. Your doctor would tell you to give it a week or two for your body to begin to heal from the surgery itself and then start physical therapy (more useful tools and actions) to help you heal fully.
The tools to heal a broken heart
What are the right actions for healing your broken heart?
First you need to learn what you’ve been doing that doesn’t work. (It’s not as depressing as it might seem – it’s actually revelatory for most people.) Once you learn that you’re not broken or defective, the tools you’ve been using are, you can start learning some new tools.
The process of discovering your past behavioral patterns and responses to loss is an important one. It helps you become aware of your habits – which is the only way you can change them. Ultimately, you learn new, healthy ways of responding to loss.
And the loss you’re originally reeling from? You can heal that, too, by learning what’s still emotionally incomplete about it for you. Once you figure out your unfinished business, you can resolve it.
What I love about the Grief Recovery Method is it gives you specific actions to go through each of these steps. The process becomes doable and clear, rather than an overwhelming mess. I’ve gone through the messy way of trying to resolve the pain of my losses for several decades, with limited success. Now I know a certain path and am honored to share it with others ready and willing to heal.
Rev. Joanna Bartlett is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist® certified by the Grief Recovery Institute® and offers one-on-one and group sessions using the Grief Recovery Method® to help you move through grief and live life again.